I am a mother. My child lives in Heaven.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. However, I feel like this day is not for childless parents. It's for everyone else. I don't need day set aside once a year to "remember". I remember everyday. Every moment of every single day. October 15th is not for me. It's for my friends and family who don't understand. It's for the people in my life who look at me and wonder why I'm still sad, why I still cry, why I'm not over it yet, and why I can't move on.

Here I would like to share a previous blog post that explained a lot about what I go through. I admit that it was written during a time when I was angry. Please click here.

I was pregnant. I had a baby. I never got to hold my baby. I never got to look into their sweet eyes or kiss their soft cheeks. I'll never know if my baby would have grown up to be a teacher or an artist or the president of the United States. I should be cradling my one month old baby right now instead of watching HGTV and typing this blog post. I should be complaining about sleepless nights right now instead of complaining of a broken heart. 

If you've never been through the loss of a child, you are blessed but you will also never understand the pain I live with everyday. No one deserves this pain, and yet 1 in 4 women have to endure it. Let's stop making pregnancy loss a taboo and shameful topic. 

Click here to read my personal story of my miracle baby who turned into an angel.

If you have questions, please do not hesitate to ask me. I am very open about our loss and my only wish is that by reaching out and being honest about my life now is that more people will gain knowledge about my heartache and the heartache of 25% of women.

If you have suffered from a loss and would like to talk about it, please write your email address in the comments (I won't publish your email address) and I will contact you.

Classic Butternut Squash Soup

This recipe was handed down to me from a friend. I love a good soup recipe from a friend for the winter months.

1. Heat 2 tablespoons of extra-virgin olive oil in a large soup pot.

2. Dice 1 carrot, 1 celery stalk and 1 onion and add to the pot. Cook until vegetables have begun to soften and onion turns translucent. (3-4 minutes)

3. Add in 4 cups of cubed butternut squash and 1/2 teaspoon of fresh, chopped thyme.

4. Stir in 4 cups of low-sodium chicken broth, and 1/2 teaspoon each of salt and pepper.

5. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer until squash is fork-tender (30 minutes).

6. Use an immersion blender to puree soup or let the soup cool slightly and carefully puree in batches in a traditional blender. (My phone ate the photos of this.)

7. Enjoy! Yum!

(NaBloWriMo Day 14)

Sometimes It's Just too Difficult

For the days when it's too difficult....

For the times when you just don't know what to do...

For the moments when all you can do is cry...

There's always ice cream.

(NaBloWriMo Day 13)

I Will Carry You

(NaBloWriMo Day 12)

Getting ready for NaNo

November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I participated last year (and won!) and I plan on doing it again this year.

I have 2 ideas for a book marinating in my mind right now. One of them I've mapped out. I will map the other one this weekend. I need just a little more time to think it over.

The goal for NaNo is to write 50.000 words in the 30 days of November. That comes out to 1,667 words each day. This year I've set a personal goal to finish by the day before Thanksgiving so I can relax and enjoy the holiday. Also, this year I will have family in town for four days. During those 4 days I probably won't get any writing in so I'm going to plan for those days to be out.

With those 4 days out plus Thanksgiving being early this year, this means I will have 17 days to write my book. 2,942 words for 17 days. Almost 3,000 for every day that I write. That's a lofty goal for me, but one that I will set nonetheless.

(NaBloWriMo Day 11)

Sunset with a storm rolling in

(NaBloWriMo Day 10)

Top 10 TV Gay Couples

I know it's Wednesday. Everyone has an off day. Let's move on.

1. Cam and Mitchell, Modern Family


2. Callie and Arizona, Grey's Anatomy


3. Brian and Justin, Queer as Folk


4. Bette and Tina, The L Word


5. Kurt and Blaine, Glee


6. Will and Vince, Will and Grace


7. Carol and Susan, Friends


8. Stanford and Anthony, Sex and the City


9. Xena and Gabrielle, Xena: Warrior Princess


10. Emily and Maya, Pretty Little Liars


(NaBloWriMo Day 9)

Two Truths and a Lie

You know the game. Two of the following statements are true about me and one is false. Can you find the lie? Post the lie in the comments. I will reveal the lie in a follow up post.

1. I've never broken a bone.

2. I would give anything to have a reading by Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo.

3. A day of perfect weather for me would consist of grey, overcast clouds, with a cool breeze and slight sprinkle.


(NaBloWriMo Day 8)

CYG: Jewellry

CYG: What To Say

(NaBloWriMo Day 7)

What Not to Say

Today's post coincides with the Capture Your Grief image: What not to say.
There are so many things I wish I never heard anyone say to me after my loss. Trust me, sometimes it's better just to say "I'm thinking of you" or offer a hug than to say anything that you think will help.

So in addition to "You'll get over it" from the Capture Your Grief post here are more things not to say:
It wasn't meant to be.
You'll get pregnant again.
It wasn't in God's timing/plan.
You will be ok.

If the above statements seem like something that would be ok then you probably have never lost a child and you need to continue reading.

You'll get over it - I will never get over it. Can you imagine your life without your child? No? Well, I have to. I'll never know if my baby looked more like me or like my husband. Boy or girl. Sarcastic and witty like my husband or silly and sweet like me. So no, I won't get over it.

It wasn't meant to be - Don't tell me that my child, my baby, wasn't meant to be. The amount of hurt that comes from the meaning of this sentence is unfathomable  We're not talking about a losing lottery ticket. We're talking about my baby; a child, a person.

You'll get pregnant again - First of all, you don't know that. Maybe I will, but maybe I won't. Infertility affects up to 28% of couples or women. Second, even if I am blessed to get pregnant again and have a living baby, I am not replacing the one in heaven. I don't know why people see a difference between children who are never born and children who had drawn breath. If you had a 3 year old child who passed away, would you try to get pregnant again to replace that child? Of course not. How is this any different?

It wasn't in God's timing/plan - You expect me to believe (or actually think it will help) that God didn't want my baby to live? There's nothing more to explain with this one.

You'll be ok - My life will never be the same again. I'll heal to an extent. I'll learn how to get through each day but it will be different. Everything is different now. My life is now separated into 2 parts: before loss and after loss. So even though life will go on and I will have to find a way to go on with it, but without my baby, don't dismiss how extremely difficult, frustrating, tiring, and emotional this is to do.

(NaBloWriMo Day 6)

CYG: What Not To Say

For more, click HERE.

One of those days

Every so often I have a day where I am overwhelmingly sad. Thinking about what would have been ,or hearing of a woman going through a loss can send me into a pit of sadness where all I want to do is crawl into a ball, cry and sleep through it. Today was one of those days.

(NaBloWriMo Day 5)

I have been waiting for this day.

Finally. FINALLY. I have been waiting for this all year - and most of the time I've been waiting impatiently. But finally on Oct. 4, I am FINALLY starting to see signs of fall. The air is crisper. At night there's a cooler breeze blowing through the window of my bedroom. The forecasted temps don't start with an 8 or a 9. And to add icing on the cake, there is even rainfall predicted in the next couple of days. Oh JOY oh JOY!! This -  THIS - is what I've been waiting for since March.

Now to end the night with a photo of tonight's sunset off the La Jolla Shores. Good night!

(NaBloWriMo Day 4)

Writing Prompt Wednesday - Don't shoot!

Version #1:

Yes, Doc, I know you think I should have a flu shot. You are not going to believe this but as I was driving home from work the other day I came across an accident scene. The police weren't around yet so I pulled over to see if I could help or at least offer my cell phone for someone to call for help. It appeared that the victims in both cars were going to be OK;  only a few bruises and scratches. Within minutes the police and ambulance arrived. Out of the ambulance jumps this very young-looking man. He's holding a few covered needles in his hand as he runs over to me, and gives me a shot of something. Ouch! I look up and yell "What was that?" He said that since I was in the car accident it was better if I had my tetanus shot. "I wasn't in the accident, you moron. I just pulled over to help." He immediately grabbed me by the arm and handed me off to his supervisor. He told his supervisor what happened and as the supervisor's eyes were getting wider and wider, the EMT ran away.

Someone came from behind me, picked me up, and threw me in the back of the ambulance. Before I could ask what was going on, the ambulance sped off. At the hospital, the doctor there said I had too much medication in my system and they were going to have to go in through my veins and suck some of it out. The doctor asked that while he had a needle in my vein did I want the flu shot now. I didn't see a reason why not so the doctor gave me the flu shot then and that's why I can't get a flu shot today.

Version #2:

Yes, Doc, I know you think I should have a flu shot. You are not going to believe this but I come from a long line of people who believe in old wive's tales and superstitions. Like, did you know that it's bad luck to broil chicken before noon? My great-great-great grandmother didn't know this and one day she decided to make an early lunch. She's had bad luck ever since. Or did you know that if you tie the laces on your right shoe first, then someone you love will suffer? My great-aunt didn't know this and when she went out for a jog and tied her right shoe first, her husband suffered from anxiety for the rest of his life.  But also, did you know that if you get medical assistance in any shape or form on a Thursday it's the same as walking under a ladder or breaking a mirror. And today is Thursday. I tried changing my appointment. I had them schedule me for a different day and then they called at the last minute and scheduled me for today. They insisted that you would only see me today, so I came in anyway so that I wouldn't get charged the $50 cancellation fee. And that is why I can't get a flu shot today.

I think I like the second one better.

(NaBloWriMo Day 3)

CYG: After Loss Self Portrait

Coronado Beach at Sunset

All photos in Wordless Wednesday are taken by me unless otherwise noted.

10 Things You Don't Know About Me

1. I always take more ketchup than I need.

2. I only like west coast time when it benefits my TV schedule.

3. I have a lot of fears.

4. I've worn glasses since I was in third grade.

5. I was a dancer for 16 years.

6. I'd rather be inside than outside.

7. I'd rather be asleep than awake.

8. I could spend the day with a book and not think twice about it.

9. I like to travel and wish I could do it more often.

10. My favorite scent is lavender.

(NaBloWriMo Day 2)

CYG Day 2 - Before Loss Self Portrait

I don't have many photos of just me. This is my husband and I on January 1, 2012. We were unaware that we were pregnant in this photo and unaware how drastically our lives would change in just 16 days.

Also I know it looks like I don't have a shirt on. It's a tan shirt. I shouldn't have worn this shirt for a photo but oh well.

All of this and a couple of cookies

(NaBloWriMo Day 1)

CYG: Sunrise

I am titanium.

This morning on my way into work, I heard this song on the radio. I've heard it a hundreds time before but for some reason this morning it spoke to me in a different way.

You shout it out,

But I can't hear a word you say.

I'm talking loud, not saying much.

I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet.

You shoot me down, but I get up.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose.

Fire away, fire away.

Ricochet, you take your aim.

Fire away, fire away.

You shoot me down, but I won't fall.

I am titanium.

For me, the "you" in this song is the negative thoughts side of my thoughts. I'm fighting a battle against myself, but I won't fall.

Gearing up!

October is in just a few days and I'm preparing for a busy month of blogging. In October, I'm participating in 2 events: NaBloWriMo (National Blog Writing Month) and Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief Project.

NaBloWriMo is just about writing a new blog post everyday in the month of October. Capture Your Grief is about taking a photo everyday to show your journey through infant and pregnancy loss. I could take the easy way out and combine the two projects, but posting a photo isn't really writing, so I've decided to do both simultaneously  Hence, why I'll be busy.

NaBloWriMo will be done and completed completely, unlike Capture Your Grief. I'm going to do as many as I can but some are just too difficult to get through. I'm also hoping this will help distract me from the worst holiday of the year: Halloween.

Shoes.

I never was a shoe girl. Shoes are a necessary part of life and I see zero point in spending a gazillion dollars on shoes. But I seem to be in minority on this. It seems like all the women around me are in love with shoes, need more shoes, must have ZOMG more shoes.

Just say NO to painful, expensive shoes!
 

This is a big month!

September is a huge month for me. School starts back up, there are 6 birthdays in my family, Pumpkin Spice Latte comes back to Starbucks, and, maybe most importantly, Fall TV. Several shows, old and new, have already started, but this week.... THIS WEEK.... a lot of my favorites return. Here's the rundown:

The Voice has already started. They are still in the blind auditions. As always, Cristina dresses like a slut and I would like for Adam Levine to come to my house and do my dishes. There's a lot fo great talent on the show this season and I can't wait for the battle rounds to start!

Go On and The New Normal are both new shows on NBC's Tuesday Night. I tried them out and will not be tuning back in.

Parenthood started 2 weeks ago and I just cannot get enough of this show. I love the relationships between the characters and the dynamic. There was a big  bomb dropped at the end of the last episode. Christina was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was such a heart wrenching scene and I'm sure the writers are going to do this beautifully.

Glee is being DVR'd until the end of the season. I'm sure it's kicking ass.

Up All Night, The Office, and Parks and Rec began last week. All 3 shows started off with a bang and will keep me coming back this week! I love them all!

Now for this week.... Tonight kicks off the week with the season premieres of How I Met Your Mother and the new show, Partners. I'll give Partners a change. We'll see. HIMYM, on the other hand, will just be DVR'd for now. I'm not ready for the new season yet. Castle also begins tonight and for that I am very excited!

Tomorrow night brings us the premiere of Private Practice. It's the last season and while I believe the show lost it's prime a few season's ago, I'm too invested now to give up on them.

Wednesday night are 2 new shows I'm interested in: Guys With Kids, and Neighbors. Guys With Kids is from Jimmy Fallon. Has to be funny, right? Returning shows are Law and Order: SVU and MODERN FAMIILY!!!!

Thursday night, ah Thursday night. My favorite night of the week. Thursday night is my Starbucks night and with only one more work day in the week to worry about, I unwind with some of my delicious Thursday night. This Thursday all the big players (and new ones) start. Grey's Anatomy and Scandal return. New shows to look into are Last Resort and Elementary. Up All Night, The Office, and Parks and Rec are also on Thursday nights. My DVR gets a work out on Thursday.

Friday night. Oh how I long for the days when Friday night had great TV. In stead, there's nothing on. It's a good thing I have several hours from Thursday night DVR'd. Friday night is when I catch up on all the shows from earlier in the week.

That's the last big push of shows for now. A few more will trickle in.

Revenge and 666 Park Ave on Sept. 30

Chicago Fire and Nashville on Oct. 10

Community on Oct. 19

Happy Endings on Oct. 23

Biggest Loser starts in January.

Now - Where's the remote?

Live blogging the Emmy's!

4:59 PST
It's Emmy time. I'm ready to go with my smoothie and apple candle.

5:04
Opening sequence in the bathroom was cute. I love when celebs make cameo appearances.

5:09
Jimmy Kimmel was funny as always. I think his humor and one-liners are not easily predicted.

5:11
I loved the montage of comedy shows. There's a lot of funny shows!
Amy Poehler and Louis CK present award for Supporting Actor in Comedy Series.
Amy is beautiful and funny as always.
My pick was Eric Stonwstreet.
And the Emmy goes to.... Eric Stonestreet!
I'm one for one!

5:19
Jim Parsons and Zooey Daschanel present award for Writing in a Comedy Series.
And the Emmy goes to.... Louis CK! Love him!

5:23
John Cryer and Kat Dennings present award for Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series.
My pick was Sofia Vergara.
And the Emmy goes to... Julie Bowan! She is hysterical and so deserving!

5:31
Matthew Perry announces winners for guest actress and actor in a comedy.
Guest Actress winner is Kathy Bates!
Guest Actor winner is Jimmy Fallon!

5:32
Kathy Bates and Jimmy Fallen present award for Best Comedy Director.
And the Emmy goes to Steve Levitan for Modern Family!

5:37
Mindy Kaling and Melissa McCarthy present award for Outstanding Actor in a Comedy Series.
My pick was Alec Baldwin.
And the Emmy goes to John Cryer. Who? Oh yeah - your show was funny 6 years ago.


5:44
Steven Colbert presents award for Outstanding Actress in a Comedy.
My pick was Amy Poehler.
And the Emmy goes to Julia Louis Dreyfus. I can't say I'm not bummed.

5:47
Amy Poehler is pure genius. The stunt with switching acceptance speeches was brilliant - much like last year when all the actresses went up on stage. Both were the mastermind of Amy.

5:49
Time for the Reality shows montage! As much as I wish I wouldn't get sucked in by reality TV, I can't help myself.

5:51
James VanDerBeek and Damon Wayans Jr. present award for Reality Competition Program.
My pick was Top Chef.
And the Emmy goes to The Amazing Race. I've never watched this show.

5:57
Ugh - A Big Bang Theory clip. Sorry friends, I'm not a fan. I get the jokes, but I don't think they're funny.

5:58
Seth MacFarlane (botched and) presented the award for Outstanding Reality Host.
My pick was Betty White.
And the Emmy goes to Tom Bergeron. You know, I used to be fan of this show but lately it's just so boring. And that's coming from a dancer.

6:02
Drama montage!

6:04
Claire Danes (I've loved her since My So-Called Life. Anyone?) presents award for Supporting Actor in a Drama.
My pick was Aaron Paul.
And the Emmy goes to Aaron Paul!
YAY!

6:13
Tracy Morgan is the funniest. His sparkle suit that didn't fit looked so funny!

6:15
Connie Britton and Hayden Panettire present award for Writing in a Drama Series.
And the Emmy goes to Homeland.

Connie and Hayden go on to present award for Supporting Actress in a Drama.
My pick was Maggie Smith.
And the Emmy goes to Maggie Smith!
Another of my picks! I was just disappointed that she wasn't there. Booo!

6:22
Tracy Morgan is carried off stage.

6:23
John Carlo Esposito announces award for Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama Series.
Guest Actor was Jeremy Davies.
Guest Actress was Martha Plimpton.

Jeremy Davies and Martha Plimpton present award for Drama Director.
And the Emmy goes to Tim Van Patten for Boardwalk Empire.

6:26
In Memoriam.... for Jimmy Kimmel.

6:28
Julianna Margulies presents award for Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series.
My pick was Michael C. Hall.
And the Emmy goes to Damian Lewis. I don't really know him or the show, Homeland, but I'm just glad John Hamm didn't win. I only like him in comedy.

6:36
Tina Fey and John Hamm present the award for Lead Actress in a Drama Series.
My pick was Kathy Bates.
And the Emmy goes to Claire Danes! I think she's amazing and even though she wasn't my pick, I think she's deserving and she looked beautiful!

6:41
Variety montage! Now I'm talkin'!

6:42
Jane Levy and Aziz Ansari present award for Variety Special Writing.
And the Emmy goes to Louis CK! Rocking it Louis!

6:50
Ricky Gervais presents award for Outstanding Directing a Variety Special.
And the Emmy goes to Glenn Weiss for directing the Tony's.

6:54
Ricky Gervais presents award for Outstanding Variety Series.
My pick is The Daily Show.
And the Emmy goes to The Daily Show. Yay!! Love John Stewart!

7:04
Miniseries or Movie montage! I can never get into a miniseries.

7:05
Steve Buscemi presents award for Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie.
My pick was Jessica Lange.
And the Emmy goes to Jessica Lange! I don't like American Horror Story but I do love Jessica Lange!

7:12
Ellen DeGeneres and Bruce Rosenbloom (Chairman and CEO of the Academy of Arts and Sciences) make PSA about live streaming and some other things nobody cares about.

7:14
Kerry Washington presents award for Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie.
My pick was Ed Harris.
And the Emmy goes to Tom Berenger.

7:18
Tribute to Andy Griffith by Opie... I mean Ron Howard.

7:19
In Memoriam.... Davy Jones, Richard Dawson, Sherman Hemsley, Phyllis Diller, Michael Clarke Duncan, Heavy D, Don Cornelius, Andy Rooney, Steve Jobs, Whitney Houston, Patrice O'Neal, Donna Summer, Kathryn Joosten, Mike Wallace, Ernest Borgnine, Harry Morgan, Dick Clark, among many others.

7:27
Lucy Liu and Keefer Sutherland present award for Outstanding Writing in a Miniseries or Movie.
And the Emmy goes to Danny Strong for Game Change.

Lucy and Keefer go on to present award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie.
My pick was Julianne Moore.
And the Emmy goes to Julianne Moore! I just love her! She's such a sweetheart.
"I feel so validated because Sarah Palin gave me a big thumbs down!" Go Julianne!!

7:36
Ginnifer Goodwin and Emily VanCamp present award for  Miniseries or Movie Director.
And the Emmy goes to Jay Roach for Game Change.

Ginnifer and Emily go on to present award for Actor in a Miniseries or Movie.
My pick was Woody Harrelson.
And the Emmy goes to Kevin Costner. He's still acting?

7:45
Andre Braugher presents Outstanding Miniseries or Movie.
My pick was American Horror Story.
And the Emmy goes to Game Change. I should have gone with my gut but I went with what was popular.

7:47
Last 2 awards!!

7:48
Julianne Moore presents award for Outstanding Drama Series.
My pick was Mad Men.
And the Emmy goes to Homeland!

7:55
Michael J. Fox get s standing ovation. He presents the award for Outstanding Comedy Series.
My pick was, of course, Modern Family.
And the Emmy goes to Modern Family!!

Final thoughts: I thought everyone looked fantastic. I loved that Julianne Moore and Claire Danes rocked it (and stood out) in yellow. I thought there were a lot of undeserved winners. John Cryer - no one watched Two and a Half Men since Charlie Sheen left. Julia Louis Dreyfus - she's still on TV? Kevin Costner - no comment needed.

7 out of my 18 picks won! Now I'm hungry. Time for dinner!

And the Emmy goes to....

 

Tonight the 64th Primetime Emmy's airs and I couldn't be more excited. I love TV and love to watch all my favorites on awards shows. Inspired by my friend Alex, I've decided to name my pics for winners. I haven't seen her pics yet but it will be interesting to see who wins. So here we go...






Outstanding Comedy Series.... It's a tough call for me between 30 Rock and Modern Family but in the end I have to go with Modern Family.

My Pick

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series.... Another tough choice. This time between Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, but I'm going to have to go with Amy Poehler for Parks and Rec.

My Pick

Lead Actor in a Series.... Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock.

My Pick

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series.... Hard to choose between Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara, but I'm picking Sofia Vergara for Modern Family.

My Pick

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.... 4 out of 6 of the nominees are from Modern Family but Eric Stonestreet is the best.

My Pick

Outstanding Drama Series.... I'm not a huge fan of any of the nominees but one has to win, so I'm picking Mad Men because apparently everyone loves that show.

My Pick

Lead Actress in a Drama Series.... Kathy Bates for Harry's Law. I'm still sad that show was cancelled.

My Pick

Lead Actor in a Drama Series.... Michael C. Hall for Dexter

My Pick

Supporting Actress in Drama Series.... Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey

My Pick

Supporting Actor in Drama Series.... Aaron Paul for Breaking Bad

My Pick

Outstanding Miniseries or Movie.... American Horror Story

My Pick

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie.... Julianne Moore for Game Change

My Pick

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie.... Woody Harrelson for Game Change

My Pick

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie.... Jessica Lange for American Horror Story

My Pick

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie.... Ed Harris for Game Change

My Pick

Variety Series.... The Daily Show

My Pick

Reality Competition Program.... Top Chef

My Pick

Reality Competition Host.... Betty White

My Pick

So there you have it. The awards are live in 40 minutes so we will soon see! Also check out my live blog of my reactions to the show.