October 4, 2013

Capture Your Grief, Day Four: Legacy

My angels' legacy is that they made me a mother. I'm not a parent yet. I can't commiserate over midnight feedings and teething. I don't know the joy of watching the first step or hearing the first words. I am a mother, but my babies live in heaven.

October 3, 2013

October Third

Lindsey Lohan's favorite day and main source of income.

Capture Your Grief, Day Three: Myths

No, I will never get over it. I may find ways to better get through each day. There might be a day when the smallest things don't set me off in anger and sadness, but my babies died. Three pieces of my heart and soul live in Heaven. I will never get over it.

October 2, 2013


It's been a busy day. It's 10 minutes until midnight and I'm wracking my brain to think of something to write about and post before midnight. I've searched for writing prompts and nothing. Sometimes you just need to go to bed and try again tomorrow.  Here are your five sentences for today.

Capture Your Grief, Day Two: Identity

We never were far enough in our pregnancies to know if we were having a boy or girl, to see a profile of their little faces on an ultra sound screen, or to hear their hearts beating away. Their identity is held in the love we have for them. I've given them nicknames, but we call them our angels.

October 1, 2013

Capture Your Grief, Day One: Sunrise

It's October!

October used to be my least favorite month. I'm one of those weird people who doesn't like Halloween. October still isn't the best for me personally (we lost our second pregnancy in October 2012), but I'm finding some things about it that I can enjoy.

1. October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I hate the word awareness in this context. It kinda feels like attention grabby, but if I sit down and really think about it, that's what we're doing here. I'm bringing awareness to my friends and family, even strangers of this devastating event that happens to 1 in 4 women. And sometimes more that once. Somewhere along the way it became a taboo subject. Maybe it's because it's a such a deeply personal experience and not everyone wants to talk about it. Maybe it's because the mother hadn't announced her pregnancy before she lost so there wasn't a reason to talk about it. I respect all of these choices and any others. However, I'm not that woman. I'm speaking out and sharing my story because 1) It's all I can do for my babies at this point. They are in Heaven and all I can do to honor them is talk about them and 2) I want other women who want to talk about their experience feel comfortable doing so.

As a way to honor the babies and children gone too soon I'm participating in a world-wide photographic journey called Capture Your Grief. I semi participated in it last year. Like I said, last October was rough for us, having gone through our second loss. I'm committed to it again this year and will be blogging my way through my photographs as well.

2. October is NaBloWriMo or National Blog Writing Month. Again, this was something I started doing last year and it fell to the side while dealing with a loss. I'm committed to doing it again this year. 31 blog posts, one for each day of the month.

3. Next month is NaNoWriMo and while it's not November yet, October is the planning month. Look for posts about that this month as I 1) decide if I'm actually going to put myself through this again and 2) the planning process.

4. October begins the 2 month event I call "Eat and drink all the pumpkin flavored things!" I love pumpkin! And, in full disclosure, I've been eating and drinking pumpkin flavored things already starting last month but I didn't admit to it. But now I can wave my pumpkin spice latte and pumpkin bread in the air with pride (right before I gulp it down!)

So it's time I get back into this blog and I can't think of a better way to do than with Capture Your Grief and NoBloWriMo!

August 31, 2013

Day Zero # 10: Read My Height in Books

As a shortie, this won't take me as long to accomplish as one of those "average height" people.
My height is 5'3" which equals 63 inches.

- 1  Seriously... I'm Kidding by Ellen Degeneres
- 1  The Shack by Wm. Paul Young
-.9 Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo
-  .4 Peter Pan and Wendy
- 1.5 Divergent by Veronica Roth
-   .8 The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan
-  .8 Reading Seattle: The City in Prose
- 1.3 In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner
- 1.7 The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
- 1.7 Insurgent by Veronica Roth
- 1.1 The Woman Who Wasn't There by Robin Gaby Fisher
- 1.3 The Fault in our Stars by John Green
- 1.2 Most Talkative by Andy Cohen
- 1.8 My Life by Bill Clinton
- 1.3 The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
-  .8 Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas by James Patterson
-  .6 The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
-  .6 The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo
- 1   A Wedding in December by Anita Shreve
-  .7 Looking for Alaska by John Green
- 1.1 Paris in Love by Eloisa James
- 1.1 Bed of Roses by Nora Roberts
- 1.3 She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
-  .6 Olive's Ocean by Kevin Henkes
- 1    The English American by Allison Larkin
- 3.5 Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
- 1.8 The Other Boelyn Girl by Philippa Gregory
-  .9 White Girls Problems by Babe Walker
- 1.2 Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson
-  .8 Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by JK Rowling
-  .8 Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein
-  .7 The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
-  .9 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by JK Rowling
- 1   Home to Harmony by Philip Gulley
-  .6 Sultry with a Twist by Macy Beckett
-  .9 Savor the Moment by Nora Roberts
- 1.3 His Excellency George Washington by Joseph Ellis
- 1   Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by JKRowling
-  .9 A Shot of Sultry by Macy Beckett
- 1.2 Hopeless by Colleen Hoover
-  .6 I Was Told There'd be Cake by Sloane Crosley
- 1   How Did You Get This Number by Sloane Crosley
-  .8 If I Stay by Gayle Foreman
- 1.2 Room by Emma Donoghue
-  .5 A Common Life by Jan Karon
-  .8 Surrender to Me by Shayla Black
-  .7 Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn
-  .9 The Color Purple by Alice Walker
- 1.7 The Passage by Justin Cronin
- 1   Me and Earl and the Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews
- 1.3 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
- 1.1 Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins
- 1.7 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by JKRowling
-  .3 Walks with Men by Ann Beattie
-  .8 Paper Towns by John Green
- 1.1 Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris
-  .6 Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen
- 1   Love and Other Perishable Items by Laura Buzo
-  .8 Speechless by Hannah Harrington
-  .7 Proof Of Heaven by Eben Alexander
-  .8 Sam's Letters to Jennifer by James Patterson

August 8, 2013

Day Zero Update

Seeing as I have less than a year to complete my Day Zero list, I'd better work on it. Some of them I've done, it just needs updating. I already know some things won't get completed, but that's what the next list is for, right?