October 6, 2012

What Not to Say

Today's post coincides with the Capture Your Grief image: What not to say.
There are so many things I wish I never heard anyone say to me after my loss. Trust me, sometimes it's better just to say "I'm thinking of you" or offer a hug than to say anything that you think will help.

So in addition to "You'll get over it" from the Capture Your Grief post here are more things not to say:
It wasn't meant to be.
You'll get pregnant again.
It wasn't in God's timing/plan.
You will be ok.

If the above statements seem like something that would be ok then you probably have never lost a child and you need to continue reading.

You'll get over it - I will never get over it. Can you imagine your life without your child? No? Well, I have to. I'll never know if my baby looked more like me or like my husband. Boy or girl. Sarcastic and witty like my husband or silly and sweet like me. So no, I won't get over it.

It wasn't meant to be - Don't tell me that my child, my baby, wasn't meant to be. The amount of hurt that comes from the meaning of this sentence is unfathomable  We're not talking about a losing lottery ticket. We're talking about my baby; a child, a person.

You'll get pregnant again - First of all, you don't know that. Maybe I will, but maybe I won't. Infertility affects up to 28% of couples or women. Second, even if I am blessed to get pregnant again and have a living baby, I am not replacing the one in heaven. I don't know why people see a difference between children who are never born and children who had drawn breath. If you had a 3 year old child who passed away, would you try to get pregnant again to replace that child? Of course not. How is this any different?

It wasn't in God's timing/plan - You expect me to believe (or actually think it will help) that God didn't want my baby to live? There's nothing more to explain with this one.

You'll be ok - My life will never be the same again. I'll heal to an extent. I'll learn how to get through each day but it will be different. Everything is different now. My life is now separated into 2 parts: before loss and after loss. So even though life will go on and I will have to find a way to go on with it, but without my baby, don't dismiss how extremely difficult, frustrating, tiring, and emotional this is to do.

(NaBloWriMo Day 6)

1 comment:

  1. this is a beautifully written post. as well as informative. oftentimes when someone i know is hurting i know that there is nothing i can say to truly help or make it better so i do just offer a hug or let them know they're in my thoughts. im glad to know that this is sometimes enough.

    im truly sorry for your loss.