October 4, 2013

Capture Your Grief, Day Four: Legacy

My angels' legacy is that they made me a mother. I'm not a parent yet. I can't commiserate over midnight feedings and teething. I don't know the joy of watching the first step or hearing the first words. I am a mother, but my babies live in heaven.

October 3, 2013

October Third

Lindsey Lohan's favorite day and main source of income.

Capture Your Grief, Day Three: Myths

No, I will never get over it. I may find ways to better get through each day. There might be a day when the smallest things don't set me off in anger and sadness, but my babies died. Three pieces of my heart and soul live in Heaven. I will never get over it.

October 2, 2013


It's been a busy day. It's 10 minutes until midnight and I'm wracking my brain to think of something to write about and post before midnight. I've searched for writing prompts and nothing. Sometimes you just need to go to bed and try again tomorrow.  Here are your five sentences for today.

Capture Your Grief, Day Two: Identity

We never were far enough in our pregnancies to know if we were having a boy or girl, to see a profile of their little faces on an ultra sound screen, or to hear their hearts beating away. Their identity is held in the love we have for them. I've given them nicknames, but we call them our angels.

October 1, 2013

Capture Your Grief, Day One: Sunrise

It's October!

October used to be my least favorite month. I'm one of those weird people who doesn't like Halloween. October still isn't the best for me personally (we lost our second pregnancy in October 2012), but I'm finding some things about it that I can enjoy.

1. October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I hate the word awareness in this context. It kinda feels like attention grabby, but if I sit down and really think about it, that's what we're doing here. I'm bringing awareness to my friends and family, even strangers of this devastating event that happens to 1 in 4 women. And sometimes more that once. Somewhere along the way it became a taboo subject. Maybe it's because it's a such a deeply personal experience and not everyone wants to talk about it. Maybe it's because the mother hadn't announced her pregnancy before she lost so there wasn't a reason to talk about it. I respect all of these choices and any others. However, I'm not that woman. I'm speaking out and sharing my story because 1) It's all I can do for my babies at this point. They are in Heaven and all I can do to honor them is talk about them and 2) I want other women who want to talk about their experience feel comfortable doing so.

As a way to honor the babies and children gone too soon I'm participating in a world-wide photographic journey called Capture Your Grief. I semi participated in it last year. Like I said, last October was rough for us, having gone through our second loss. I'm committed to it again this year and will be blogging my way through my photographs as well.

2. October is NaBloWriMo or National Blog Writing Month. Again, this was something I started doing last year and it fell to the side while dealing with a loss. I'm committed to doing it again this year. 31 blog posts, one for each day of the month.

3. Next month is NaNoWriMo and while it's not November yet, October is the planning month. Look for posts about that this month as I 1) decide if I'm actually going to put myself through this again and 2) the planning process.

4. October begins the 2 month event I call "Eat and drink all the pumpkin flavored things!" I love pumpkin! And, in full disclosure, I've been eating and drinking pumpkin flavored things already starting last month but I didn't admit to it. But now I can wave my pumpkin spice latte and pumpkin bread in the air with pride (right before I gulp it down!)

So it's time I get back into this blog and I can't think of a better way to do than with Capture Your Grief and NoBloWriMo!