I am a mother. My child lives in Heaven.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. However, I feel like this day is not for childless parents. It's for everyone else. I don't need day set aside once a year to "remember". I remember everyday. Every moment of every single day. October 15th is not for me. It's for my friends and family who don't understand. It's for the people in my life who look at me and wonder why I'm still sad, why I still cry, why I'm not over it yet, and why I can't move on.

Here I would like to share a previous blog post that explained a lot about what I go through. I admit that it was written during a time when I was angry. Please click here.

I was pregnant. I had a baby. I never got to hold my baby. I never got to look into their sweet eyes or kiss their soft cheeks. I'll never know if my baby would have grown up to be a teacher or an artist or the president of the United States. I should be cradling my one month old baby right now instead of watching HGTV and typing this blog post. I should be complaining about sleepless nights right now instead of complaining of a broken heart. 

If you've never been through the loss of a child, you are blessed but you will also never understand the pain I live with everyday. No one deserves this pain, and yet 1 in 4 women have to endure it. Let's stop making pregnancy loss a taboo and shameful topic. 

Click here to read my personal story of my miracle baby who turned into an angel.

If you have questions, please do not hesitate to ask me. I am very open about our loss and my only wish is that by reaching out and being honest about my life now is that more people will gain knowledge about my heartache and the heartache of 25% of women.

If you have suffered from a loss and would like to talk about it, please write your email address in the comments (I won't publish your email address) and I will contact you.

Classic Butternut Squash Soup

This recipe was handed down to me from a friend. I love a good soup recipe from a friend for the winter months.

1. Heat 2 tablespoons of extra-virgin olive oil in a large soup pot.

2. Dice 1 carrot, 1 celery stalk and 1 onion and add to the pot. Cook until vegetables have begun to soften and onion turns translucent. (3-4 minutes)

3. Add in 4 cups of cubed butternut squash and 1/2 teaspoon of fresh, chopped thyme.

4. Stir in 4 cups of low-sodium chicken broth, and 1/2 teaspoon each of salt and pepper.

5. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer until squash is fork-tender (30 minutes).

6. Use an immersion blender to puree soup or let the soup cool slightly and carefully puree in batches in a traditional blender. (My phone ate the photos of this.)

7. Enjoy! Yum!

(NaBloWriMo Day 14)

Sometimes It's Just too Difficult

For the days when it's too difficult....

For the times when you just don't know what to do...

For the moments when all you can do is cry...

There's always ice cream.

(NaBloWriMo Day 13)

I Will Carry You

(NaBloWriMo Day 12)

Getting ready for NaNo

November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I participated last year (and won!) and I plan on doing it again this year.

I have 2 ideas for a book marinating in my mind right now. One of them I've mapped out. I will map the other one this weekend. I need just a little more time to think it over.

The goal for NaNo is to write 50.000 words in the 30 days of November. That comes out to 1,667 words each day. This year I've set a personal goal to finish by the day before Thanksgiving so I can relax and enjoy the holiday. Also, this year I will have family in town for four days. During those 4 days I probably won't get any writing in so I'm going to plan for those days to be out.

With those 4 days out plus Thanksgiving being early this year, this means I will have 17 days to write my book. 2,942 words for 17 days. Almost 3,000 for every day that I write. That's a lofty goal for me, but one that I will set nonetheless.

(NaBloWriMo Day 11)

Sunset with a storm rolling in

(NaBloWriMo Day 10)

Top 10 TV Gay Couples

I know it's Wednesday. Everyone has an off day. Let's move on.

1. Cam and Mitchell, Modern Family


2. Callie and Arizona, Grey's Anatomy


3. Brian and Justin, Queer as Folk


4. Bette and Tina, The L Word


5. Kurt and Blaine, Glee


6. Will and Vince, Will and Grace


7. Carol and Susan, Friends


8. Stanford and Anthony, Sex and the City


9. Xena and Gabrielle, Xena: Warrior Princess


10. Emily and Maya, Pretty Little Liars


(NaBloWriMo Day 9)

Two Truths and a Lie

You know the game. Two of the following statements are true about me and one is false. Can you find the lie? Post the lie in the comments. I will reveal the lie in a follow up post.

1. I've never broken a bone.

2. I would give anything to have a reading by Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo.

3. A day of perfect weather for me would consist of grey, overcast clouds, with a cool breeze and slight sprinkle.


(NaBloWriMo Day 8)

CYG: Jewellry

CYG: What To Say

(NaBloWriMo Day 7)

What Not to Say

Today's post coincides with the Capture Your Grief image: What not to say.
There are so many things I wish I never heard anyone say to me after my loss. Trust me, sometimes it's better just to say "I'm thinking of you" or offer a hug than to say anything that you think will help.

So in addition to "You'll get over it" from the Capture Your Grief post here are more things not to say:
It wasn't meant to be.
You'll get pregnant again.
It wasn't in God's timing/plan.
You will be ok.

If the above statements seem like something that would be ok then you probably have never lost a child and you need to continue reading.

You'll get over it - I will never get over it. Can you imagine your life without your child? No? Well, I have to. I'll never know if my baby looked more like me or like my husband. Boy or girl. Sarcastic and witty like my husband or silly and sweet like me. So no, I won't get over it.

It wasn't meant to be - Don't tell me that my child, my baby, wasn't meant to be. The amount of hurt that comes from the meaning of this sentence is unfathomable  We're not talking about a losing lottery ticket. We're talking about my baby; a child, a person.

You'll get pregnant again - First of all, you don't know that. Maybe I will, but maybe I won't. Infertility affects up to 28% of couples or women. Second, even if I am blessed to get pregnant again and have a living baby, I am not replacing the one in heaven. I don't know why people see a difference between children who are never born and children who had drawn breath. If you had a 3 year old child who passed away, would you try to get pregnant again to replace that child? Of course not. How is this any different?

It wasn't in God's timing/plan - You expect me to believe (or actually think it will help) that God didn't want my baby to live? There's nothing more to explain with this one.

You'll be ok - My life will never be the same again. I'll heal to an extent. I'll learn how to get through each day but it will be different. Everything is different now. My life is now separated into 2 parts: before loss and after loss. So even though life will go on and I will have to find a way to go on with it, but without my baby, don't dismiss how extremely difficult, frustrating, tiring, and emotional this is to do.

(NaBloWriMo Day 6)

CYG: What Not To Say

For more, click HERE.

One of those days

Every so often I have a day where I am overwhelmingly sad. Thinking about what would have been ,or hearing of a woman going through a loss can send me into a pit of sadness where all I want to do is crawl into a ball, cry and sleep through it. Today was one of those days.

(NaBloWriMo Day 5)

I have been waiting for this day.

Finally. FINALLY. I have been waiting for this all year - and most of the time I've been waiting impatiently. But finally on Oct. 4, I am FINALLY starting to see signs of fall. The air is crisper. At night there's a cooler breeze blowing through the window of my bedroom. The forecasted temps don't start with an 8 or a 9. And to add icing on the cake, there is even rainfall predicted in the next couple of days. Oh JOY oh JOY!! This -  THIS - is what I've been waiting for since March.

Now to end the night with a photo of tonight's sunset off the La Jolla Shores. Good night!

(NaBloWriMo Day 4)

Writing Prompt Wednesday - Don't shoot!

Version #1:

Yes, Doc, I know you think I should have a flu shot. You are not going to believe this but as I was driving home from work the other day I came across an accident scene. The police weren't around yet so I pulled over to see if I could help or at least offer my cell phone for someone to call for help. It appeared that the victims in both cars were going to be OK;  only a few bruises and scratches. Within minutes the police and ambulance arrived. Out of the ambulance jumps this very young-looking man. He's holding a few covered needles in his hand as he runs over to me, and gives me a shot of something. Ouch! I look up and yell "What was that?" He said that since I was in the car accident it was better if I had my tetanus shot. "I wasn't in the accident, you moron. I just pulled over to help." He immediately grabbed me by the arm and handed me off to his supervisor. He told his supervisor what happened and as the supervisor's eyes were getting wider and wider, the EMT ran away.

Someone came from behind me, picked me up, and threw me in the back of the ambulance. Before I could ask what was going on, the ambulance sped off. At the hospital, the doctor there said I had too much medication in my system and they were going to have to go in through my veins and suck some of it out. The doctor asked that while he had a needle in my vein did I want the flu shot now. I didn't see a reason why not so the doctor gave me the flu shot then and that's why I can't get a flu shot today.

Version #2:

Yes, Doc, I know you think I should have a flu shot. You are not going to believe this but I come from a long line of people who believe in old wive's tales and superstitions. Like, did you know that it's bad luck to broil chicken before noon? My great-great-great grandmother didn't know this and one day she decided to make an early lunch. She's had bad luck ever since. Or did you know that if you tie the laces on your right shoe first, then someone you love will suffer? My great-aunt didn't know this and when she went out for a jog and tied her right shoe first, her husband suffered from anxiety for the rest of his life.  But also, did you know that if you get medical assistance in any shape or form on a Thursday it's the same as walking under a ladder or breaking a mirror. And today is Thursday. I tried changing my appointment. I had them schedule me for a different day and then they called at the last minute and scheduled me for today. They insisted that you would only see me today, so I came in anyway so that I wouldn't get charged the $50 cancellation fee. And that is why I can't get a flu shot today.

I think I like the second one better.

(NaBloWriMo Day 3)

CYG: After Loss Self Portrait

Coronado Beach at Sunset

All photos in Wordless Wednesday are taken by me unless otherwise noted.

10 Things You Don't Know About Me

1. I always take more ketchup than I need.

2. I only like west coast time when it benefits my TV schedule.

3. I have a lot of fears.

4. I've worn glasses since I was in third grade.

5. I was a dancer for 16 years.

6. I'd rather be inside than outside.

7. I'd rather be asleep than awake.

8. I could spend the day with a book and not think twice about it.

9. I like to travel and wish I could do it more often.

10. My favorite scent is lavender.

(NaBloWriMo Day 2)

CYG Day 2 - Before Loss Self Portrait

I don't have many photos of just me. This is my husband and I on January 1, 2012. We were unaware that we were pregnant in this photo and unaware how drastically our lives would change in just 16 days.

Also I know it looks like I don't have a shirt on. It's a tan shirt. I shouldn't have worn this shirt for a photo but oh well.

All of this and a couple of cookies

(NaBloWriMo Day 1)

CYG: Sunrise

I am titanium.

This morning on my way into work, I heard this song on the radio. I've heard it a hundreds time before but for some reason this morning it spoke to me in a different way.

You shout it out,

But I can't hear a word you say.

I'm talking loud, not saying much.

I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet.

You shoot me down, but I get up.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose.

Fire away, fire away.

Ricochet, you take your aim.

Fire away, fire away.

You shoot me down, but I won't fall.

I am titanium.

For me, the "you" in this song is the negative thoughts side of my thoughts. I'm fighting a battle against myself, but I won't fall.