When a new recipe turns out perfectly!

I tried out one of my husband's favorite dishes that his mom made for him when he was a child. That's a lot of pressure to get it right. There are a few things I need to tweak, but otherwise the Tuna Noodle Casserole was a hit!

Awesome!

When your favorite movie comes on TV

I don't ever change the channel even though the BluRays are two feet from the TV. Watching the full trilogy is a great way to spend the day!

Awesome!

Capture Your Grief, Day Four: Legacy

My angels' legacy is that they made me a mother. I'm not a parent yet. I can't commiserate over midnight feedings and teething. I don't know the joy of watching the first step or hearing the first words. I am a mother, but my babies live in heaven.

October Third

Lindsey Lohan's favorite day and main source of income.

Capture Your Grief, Day Three: Myths

No, I will never get over it. I may find ways to better get through each day. There might be a day when the smallest things don't set me off in anger and sadness, but my babies died. Three pieces of my heart and soul live in Heaven. I will never get over it.

Zzzzzzzzzz

It's been a busy day. It's 10 minutes until midnight and I'm wracking my brain to think of something to write about and post before midnight. I've searched for writing prompts and nothing. Sometimes you just need to go to bed and try again tomorrow.  Here are your five sentences for today.

Capture Your Grief, Day Two: Identity

We never were far enough in our pregnancies to know if we were having a boy or girl, to see a profile of their little faces on an ultra sound screen, or to hear their hearts beating away. Their identity is held in the love we have for them. I've given them nicknames, but we call them our angels.

Capture Your Grief, Day One: Sunrise

It's October!

October used to be my least favorite month. I'm one of those weird people who doesn't like Halloween. October still isn't the best for me personally (we lost our second pregnancy in October 2012), but I'm finding some things about it that I can enjoy.

1. October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I hate the word awareness in this context. It kinda feels like attention grabby, but if I sit down and really think about it, that's what we're doing here. I'm bringing awareness to my friends and family, even strangers of this devastating event that happens to 1 in 4 women. And sometimes more that once. Somewhere along the way it became a taboo subject. Maybe it's because it's a such a deeply personal experience and not everyone wants to talk about it. Maybe it's because the mother hadn't announced her pregnancy before she lost so there wasn't a reason to talk about it. I respect all of these choices and any others. However, I'm not that woman. I'm speaking out and sharing my story because 1) It's all I can do for my babies at this point. They are in Heaven and all I can do to honor them is talk about them and 2) I want other women who want to talk about their experience feel comfortable doing so.

As a way to honor the babies and children gone too soon I'm participating in a world-wide photographic journey called Capture Your Grief. I semi participated in it last year. Like I said, last October was rough for us, having gone through our second loss. I'm committed to it again this year and will be blogging my way through my photographs as well.

2. October is NaBloWriMo or National Blog Writing Month. Again, this was something I started doing last year and it fell to the side while dealing with a loss. I'm committed to doing it again this year. 31 blog posts, one for each day of the month.

3. Next month is NaNoWriMo and while it's not November yet, October is the planning month. Look for posts about that this month as I 1) decide if I'm actually going to put myself through this again and 2) the planning process.

4. October begins the 2 month event I call "Eat and drink all the pumpkin flavored things!" I love pumpkin! And, in full disclosure, I've been eating and drinking pumpkin flavored things already starting last month but I didn't admit to it. But now I can wave my pumpkin spice latte and pumpkin bread in the air with pride (right before I gulp it down!)

So it's time I get back into this blog and I can't think of a better way to do than with Capture Your Grief and NoBloWriMo!

Day Zero # 10: Read My Height in Books

As a shortie, this won't take me as long to accomplish as one of those "average height" people.
My height is 5'3" which equals 63 inches.

 63
- 1  Seriously... I'm Kidding by Ellen Degeneres
 62
- 1  The Shack by Wm. Paul Young
 61
-.9 Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo
60.1
-  .4 Peter Pan and Wendy
59.7
- 1.5 Divergent by Veronica Roth
58.2
-   .8 The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan
57.4
-  .8 Reading Seattle: The City in Prose
56.6
- 1.3 In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner
55.3
- 1.7 The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
53.6
- 1.7 Insurgent by Veronica Roth
51.9
- 1.1 The Woman Who Wasn't There by Robin Gaby Fisher
50.8
- 1.3 The Fault in our Stars by John Green
49.5
- 1.2 Most Talkative by Andy Cohen
48.3
- 1.8 My Life by Bill Clinton
46.5
- 1.3 The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
45.2
-  .8 Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas by James Patterson
44.4
-  .6 The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
43.8
-  .6 The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo
43.2
- 1   A Wedding in December by Anita Shreve
42.2
-  .7 Looking for Alaska by John Green
41.5
- 1.1 Paris in Love by Eloisa James
40.4
- 1.1 Bed of Roses by Nora Roberts
39.3
- 1.3 She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
38.0
-  .6 Olive's Ocean by Kevin Henkes
37.4
- 1    The English American by Allison Larkin
36.4
- 3.5 Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
32.9
- 1.8 The Other Boelyn Girl by Philippa Gregory
31.1 (HALFWAY THERE!!!)
-  .9 White Girls Problems by Babe Walker
30.2
- 1.2 Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson
29
-  .8 Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by JK Rowling
28.2
-  .8 Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein
27.4
-  .7 The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
26.7
-  .9 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by JK Rowling
25.8
- 1   Home to Harmony by Philip Gulley
24.8
-  .6 Sultry with a Twist by Macy Beckett
24.2
-  .9 Savor the Moment by Nora Roberts
23.3
- 1.3 His Excellency George Washington by Joseph Ellis
22
- 1   Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by JKRowling
21
-  .9 A Shot of Sultry by Macy Beckett
20.1
- 1.2 Hopeless by Colleen Hoover
18.9
-  .6 I Was Told There'd be Cake by Sloane Crosley
18.3
- 1   How Did You Get This Number by Sloane Crosley
17.3
-  .8 If I Stay by Gayle Foreman
16.5
- 1.2 Room by Emma Donoghue
15.3
-  .5 A Common Life by Jan Karon
14.8
-  .8 Surrender to Me by Shayla Black
14
-  .7 Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn
13.3
-  .9 The Color Purple by Alice Walker
12.4
- 1.7 The Passage by Justin Cronin
10.7
- 1   Me and Earl and the Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews
 9.7
- 1.3 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
  8.4
- 1.1 Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins
  7.3
- 1.7 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by JKRowling
  5.6
-  .3 Walks with Men by Ann Beattie
  5.3
-  .8 Paper Towns by John Green
  4.5
- 1.1 Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris
  3.4
-  .6 Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen
  2.8
- 1   Love and Other Perishable Items by Laura Buzo
  1.8
-  .8 Speechless by Hannah Harrington
  1
-  .7 Proof Of Heaven by Eben Alexander
   .3
-  .8 Sam's Letters to Jennifer by James Patterson
DONE!!

Day Zero Update

Seeing as I have less than a year to complete my Day Zero list, I'd better work on it. Some of them I've done, it just needs updating. I already know some things won't get completed, but that's what the next list is for, right?

I am a mother. My child lives in Heaven.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. However, I feel like this day is not for childless parents. It's for everyone else. I don't need day set aside once a year to "remember". I remember everyday. Every moment of every single day. October 15th is not for me. It's for my friends and family who don't understand. It's for the people in my life who look at me and wonder why I'm still sad, why I still cry, why I'm not over it yet, and why I can't move on.

Here I would like to share a previous blog post that explained a lot about what I go through. I admit that it was written during a time when I was angry. Please click here.

I was pregnant. I had a baby. I never got to hold my baby. I never got to look into their sweet eyes or kiss their soft cheeks. I'll never know if my baby would have grown up to be a teacher or an artist or the president of the United States. I should be cradling my one month old baby right now instead of watching HGTV and typing this blog post. I should be complaining about sleepless nights right now instead of complaining of a broken heart. 

If you've never been through the loss of a child, you are blessed but you will also never understand the pain I live with everyday. No one deserves this pain, and yet 1 in 4 women have to endure it. Let's stop making pregnancy loss a taboo and shameful topic. 

Click here to read my personal story of my miracle baby who turned into an angel.

If you have questions, please do not hesitate to ask me. I am very open about our loss and my only wish is that by reaching out and being honest about my life now is that more people will gain knowledge about my heartache and the heartache of 25% of women.

If you have suffered from a loss and would like to talk about it, please write your email address in the comments (I won't publish your email address) and I will contact you.

Classic Butternut Squash Soup

This recipe was handed down to me from a friend. I love a good soup recipe from a friend for the winter months.

1. Heat 2 tablespoons of extra-virgin olive oil in a large soup pot.

2. Dice 1 carrot, 1 celery stalk and 1 onion and add to the pot. Cook until vegetables have begun to soften and onion turns translucent. (3-4 minutes)

3. Add in 4 cups of cubed butternut squash and 1/2 teaspoon of fresh, chopped thyme.

4. Stir in 4 cups of low-sodium chicken broth, and 1/2 teaspoon each of salt and pepper.

5. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer until squash is fork-tender (30 minutes).

6. Use an immersion blender to puree soup or let the soup cool slightly and carefully puree in batches in a traditional blender. (My phone ate the photos of this.)

7. Enjoy! Yum!

(NaBloWriMo Day 14)

Sometimes It's Just too Difficult

For the days when it's too difficult....

For the times when you just don't know what to do...

For the moments when all you can do is cry...

There's always ice cream.

(NaBloWriMo Day 13)

I Will Carry You

(NaBloWriMo Day 12)

Getting ready for NaNo

November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I participated last year (and won!) and I plan on doing it again this year.

I have 2 ideas for a book marinating in my mind right now. One of them I've mapped out. I will map the other one this weekend. I need just a little more time to think it over.

The goal for NaNo is to write 50.000 words in the 30 days of November. That comes out to 1,667 words each day. This year I've set a personal goal to finish by the day before Thanksgiving so I can relax and enjoy the holiday. Also, this year I will have family in town for four days. During those 4 days I probably won't get any writing in so I'm going to plan for those days to be out.

With those 4 days out plus Thanksgiving being early this year, this means I will have 17 days to write my book. 2,942 words for 17 days. Almost 3,000 for every day that I write. That's a lofty goal for me, but one that I will set nonetheless.

(NaBloWriMo Day 11)

Sunset with a storm rolling in

(NaBloWriMo Day 10)

Top 10 TV Gay Couples

I know it's Wednesday. Everyone has an off day. Let's move on.

1. Cam and Mitchell, Modern Family


2. Callie and Arizona, Grey's Anatomy


3. Brian and Justin, Queer as Folk


4. Bette and Tina, The L Word


5. Kurt and Blaine, Glee


6. Will and Vince, Will and Grace


7. Carol and Susan, Friends


8. Stanford and Anthony, Sex and the City


9. Xena and Gabrielle, Xena: Warrior Princess


10. Emily and Maya, Pretty Little Liars


(NaBloWriMo Day 9)

Two Truths and a Lie

You know the game. Two of the following statements are true about me and one is false. Can you find the lie? Post the lie in the comments. I will reveal the lie in a follow up post.

1. I've never broken a bone.

2. I would give anything to have a reading by Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo.

3. A day of perfect weather for me would consist of grey, overcast clouds, with a cool breeze and slight sprinkle.


(NaBloWriMo Day 8)

CYG: Jewellry